Phew, busy day.
It must be the weather, making people wanna become famous.
Oh? cool!
Yeah, that's right!
And my cousin wants to come to chemical brothers too so make sure there's a couple of extra in there. One for him, one for our other mate who's a scruffy raver who likes the pretty lights . . . and a couple to flog on trademe.
And I get a backstage press pass to BDO! That's not work though, apparently annoying "got laid last night" C4 girl is pulling some strings to pick up points with me.
*shrug*
I never go unless I get access, I dont wanna stand stinking in the sun with all you scum! I wanna be putting my game down on Brooke Fraser at the buffet.
I gotta plan my day! There are a lot of skimpy tops and short skirts to take in!
But apparently I’m not allowed to deck Gibbo, or take a camera so I can get someone to take a photo of me decking Gibbo.
My grandfather didn't fight in WWII so I would have to listen to "Fast times in Tahoe" or "Verona" or "11.57" while I was waiting in line at the bank.
Where’s the justice? I'm very passionate about this.
Now I just want a ticket to Interpol. Is there anything else I could be angling for?
A girlfriend who doesn't annoy me? Yeah right.
Friday, January 18, 2008
One for the dinner table
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in The morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we Broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and You should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk . . .
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in The morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we Broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and You should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk . . .
People in my Neighbourhood
The Neighbour . . .
three doors down . . .
STILL has his christmas lights up.
I have a good mind to have a word with him.
This is Grey Lynn, not some bloody hippy yahoo weirdo cult commune where we flagellate ourselves with permanant christmas.
What does he think he's playing at? I've my cat Steve to think of, does he want to be put through that sort of carry on everytime he wanders out the gate?
Quite frankly, I'm disgusted.
Wow everyone's back! Apparently not everyone thought my new years bulk text which included
". . . I find mediocrity an insult and in saying that, I despise most of you . . . "
as hilarious as I did. I thought it was fucking funny. I mean did you get any stupid NY bulk texts that weren't completely predictable and gay?
What can I say, I just snapped!
Some annoying chick I gave the flick to txted me to say she "got laid last night so wont be annoying me anymore."
That goes in my "how not to get a guy back" file. I was in a total jealous rage for almost 2 seconds. Then I watched a transformers cartoon with my kid brother.
Oh and guess what???
We have a door on our bathroom like normal civilized people again!
I feel like a lord.
Its really exciting. I can have a shower without fear of gaybo's peering at my wee willy winky, though I do empathise with the disappointment in the local gaybo community.
AND Girls can now come over and make use of said facilities without worrying about my "team members" (I tend to call the people who work for me my "henchmen" but "team members" is cute) or my cousin or any other similar scruffy youths encroaching.
Romantic.
No, he's a good kid. The one time he managed to get a girl over he even "guarded" the door for her. Who's got a little sister, we can match make.
He's depressed half the time, but aren't they all?
three doors down . . .
STILL has his christmas lights up.
I have a good mind to have a word with him.
This is Grey Lynn, not some bloody hippy yahoo weirdo cult commune where we flagellate ourselves with permanant christmas.
What does he think he's playing at? I've my cat Steve to think of, does he want to be put through that sort of carry on everytime he wanders out the gate?
Quite frankly, I'm disgusted.
Wow everyone's back! Apparently not everyone thought my new years bulk text which included
". . . I find mediocrity an insult and in saying that, I despise most of you . . . "
as hilarious as I did. I thought it was fucking funny. I mean did you get any stupid NY bulk texts that weren't completely predictable and gay?
What can I say, I just snapped!
Some annoying chick I gave the flick to txted me to say she "got laid last night so wont be annoying me anymore."
That goes in my "how not to get a guy back" file. I was in a total jealous rage for almost 2 seconds. Then I watched a transformers cartoon with my kid brother.
Oh and guess what???
We have a door on our bathroom like normal civilized people again!
I feel like a lord.
Its really exciting. I can have a shower without fear of gaybo's peering at my wee willy winky, though I do empathise with the disappointment in the local gaybo community.
AND Girls can now come over and make use of said facilities without worrying about my "team members" (I tend to call the people who work for me my "henchmen" but "team members" is cute) or my cousin or any other similar scruffy youths encroaching.
Romantic.
No, he's a good kid. The one time he managed to get a girl over he even "guarded" the door for her. Who's got a little sister, we can match make.
He's depressed half the time, but aren't they all?
Workin' it like what!
The Neighbour . . .
three doors down . . .
STILL has his christmas lights up.
I have a good mind to have a word with him.
This is Grey Lynn, not some bloody hippy yahoo weirdo cult commune where we flagellate ourselves with permanant christmas.
What does he think he's playing at? I've my cat Steve to think of, does he want to be put through that sort of carry on everytime he wanders out the gate?
Quite frankly, I'm disgusted.
Wow everyone's back! Apparently not everyone thought my new years bulk text which included
". . . I find mediocrity an insult and in saying that, I despise most of you . . . "
as hilarious as I did. I thought it was fucking funny. I mean did you get any stupid NY bulk texts that weren't completely predictable and gay?
What can I say, I just snapped!
Some annoying chick I gave the flick to txted me to say she "got laid last night so wont be annoying me anymore."
That goes in my "how not to get a guy back" file. I was in a total jealous rage for almost 2 seconds. Then I watched a transformers cartoon with my kid brother.
Oh and guess what???
We have a door on our bathroom like normal civilized people again!
I feel like a lord.
Its really exciting. I can have a shower without fear of gaybo's peering at my wee willy winky, though I do empathise with the disappointment in the local gaybo community.
AND Girls can now come over and make use of said facilities without worrying about my "team members" (I tend to call the people who work for me my "henchmen" but "team members" is cute) or my cousin or any other similar scruffy youths encroaching.
Romantic.
No, he's a good kid. The one time he managed to get a girl over he even "guarded" the door for her. Who's got a little sister, we can match make.
He's depressed half the time, but aren't they all?
three doors down . . .
STILL has his christmas lights up.
I have a good mind to have a word with him.
This is Grey Lynn, not some bloody hippy yahoo weirdo cult commune where we flagellate ourselves with permanant christmas.
What does he think he's playing at? I've my cat Steve to think of, does he want to be put through that sort of carry on everytime he wanders out the gate?
Quite frankly, I'm disgusted.
Wow everyone's back! Apparently not everyone thought my new years bulk text which included
". . . I find mediocrity an insult and in saying that, I despise most of you . . . "
as hilarious as I did. I thought it was fucking funny. I mean did you get any stupid NY bulk texts that weren't completely predictable and gay?
What can I say, I just snapped!
Some annoying chick I gave the flick to txted me to say she "got laid last night so wont be annoying me anymore."
That goes in my "how not to get a guy back" file. I was in a total jealous rage for almost 2 seconds. Then I watched a transformers cartoon with my kid brother.
Oh and guess what???
We have a door on our bathroom like normal civilized people again!
I feel like a lord.
Its really exciting. I can have a shower without fear of gaybo's peering at my wee willy winky, though I do empathise with the disappointment in the local gaybo community.
AND Girls can now come over and make use of said facilities without worrying about my "team members" (I tend to call the people who work for me my "henchmen" but "team members" is cute) or my cousin or any other similar scruffy youths encroaching.
Romantic.
No, he's a good kid. The one time he managed to get a girl over he even "guarded" the door for her. Who's got a little sister, we can match make.
He's depressed half the time, but aren't they all?
Workin' it like what!
It may sound like I'm a complete loser but once my phone started ringing, I was ready to go!
Holidays. Boring.
I'd rather be marketing.
I gotta call from Hollywood, up and coming pop star . . . oh shit I really cant say, you wouldn't have heard of him. But he's heard about my work. He moves in international diplomacy as a representative of his home state of Liechenstein, this fricken james bond kinda Swiss tax haven place. Stupid cash. He rolls with like, Snoop and MJ and Barack.
And he's calling me up about making online heat for his new club slammer "Girl I wanna C U Naked". It's gotta eastern flute and a robot voice that goes . . .
"Girl. Girl. I wanna C U Naked. Girl. Girl."
Then he stats into his bit, y'know the usual business about how "it's poppin' in the spot" and theres lots of cars with big shiny wheels etc.
And I thought to myself . . .
This guy is like . . .
this guy could totally be bigger than K fed.
I fuckin love my job.
I said "Who wants to sell the latest crappy pop shit to 14 year olds???"
*sigh*
You see being a marketing guy, it seems that people know I'm good, they just don't know what I'm good at.
So I got offered $500 a day to go round filming peoples businesses so I thought why not? I can learn to work a video camera! How hard can it be?
Well actually . . . I kinda built a stage in my garage so I could film bands. We had mad . . . debris . . . but we cleared that shit out!!!
Next thing . . . my cousins like "We could build a skate ramp in here."
Well. I guess.
I was kinda more interested in using the dinghy to recreate Moby Dick on Youtube.
Well we found a harpoon! Bring some bum off the street to be crazy captain ahab and I've got another friend who would make a great white whale.
And a harpoon hanging out of his head would just look so stylish!
I'm getting shivers.
I think I'm the next spielberg.
Holidays. Boring.
I'd rather be marketing.
I gotta call from Hollywood, up and coming pop star . . . oh shit I really cant say, you wouldn't have heard of him. But he's heard about my work. He moves in international diplomacy as a representative of his home state of Liechenstein, this fricken james bond kinda Swiss tax haven place. Stupid cash. He rolls with like, Snoop and MJ and Barack.
And he's calling me up about making online heat for his new club slammer "Girl I wanna C U Naked". It's gotta eastern flute and a robot voice that goes . . .
"Girl. Girl. I wanna C U Naked. Girl. Girl."
Then he stats into his bit, y'know the usual business about how "it's poppin' in the spot" and theres lots of cars with big shiny wheels etc.
And I thought to myself . . .
This guy is like . . .
this guy could totally be bigger than K fed.
I fuckin love my job.
I said "Who wants to sell the latest crappy pop shit to 14 year olds???"
*sigh*
You see being a marketing guy, it seems that people know I'm good, they just don't know what I'm good at.
So I got offered $500 a day to go round filming peoples businesses so I thought why not? I can learn to work a video camera! How hard can it be?
Well actually . . . I kinda built a stage in my garage so I could film bands. We had mad . . . debris . . . but we cleared that shit out!!!
Next thing . . . my cousins like "We could build a skate ramp in here."
Well. I guess.
I was kinda more interested in using the dinghy to recreate Moby Dick on Youtube.
Well we found a harpoon! Bring some bum off the street to be crazy captain ahab and I've got another friend who would make a great white whale.
And a harpoon hanging out of his head would just look so stylish!
I'm getting shivers.
I think I'm the next spielberg.
Nerds. Sheesh.
"The mathematicians have also failed to take into account the mass of Santa's sleigh. Given the combined mass of all presents (assuming each good non Muslim kid gets a 500g Lego set) multipied by the velocity (he needs to travel in order to visit every house) squared, you have a behemoth amount of kinetic energy dissapated as heat. Match that up against the opposing wind resistance Santa and his reindeers would literally burn up in our atmosphere. So if Santa ever existed, he's dead now."
Christmas Shopping
I take christmas very seriously.
I'm serious about caring. The caring doesn't come in how much money you spend. It really is the thought that counts.
See, Christmas in your 20's can become quite demoralising, when gifts suddenly revert from new phones, designer jeans and possiblly even deposits on cars acquired in your teen years to your standard socks, chocolates and maybe a coffee table book with humourous pictures.
But a few years back it got just ridiculous. I didn't even get fucking socks and chocolates, but a worthless procession of stupid novelty trinkets and stuff like nuts and preserves with absolutely 0% chocolate content. That's right, there wasn't even chocolate arounf the nuts.
I was shocked.
It was time for pay back.
I vowed every christmas, each uncle, each aunty, each cousin would recieve a gift that would put the rest of my families gift giving skills to shame.
I think it's also a bit of showing my family that I'm "doing alright" especially as two of my uncles are highly qualified systems engineers, while every year, after my grandma finishes making her point about how long its been since I came to visit her, progressively more emphasis comes to be placed on . . .
"so, have you got a girlfriend at the moment . . . ?"
No grandma, I want to do something with the rest of my life other than cuddling on the couch and watching DVD's.
So now . . . let me just get off the psychiatrists couch and down to business. This is how it played out:
First, to the book sale behind Silver Bell in Eden Terrace. This is a perrenial for me, because books are well likened to "come like the sniper" so to speak.
Chocolate and socks maybe the scattershot, but with a book or CD (more on CD's later) it has to be aimed perfectly or it could miss completely and register no damage. With the right book though, it can be a direct hit. And of course, books seem expensive.
For my mum, who is seriously hooked on trading antiques on trademe, I picked up a book all about antique auctions and trading for $10. A hard cover with heaps of full colour pics.
For my Grandma and Dad / Step mum I bought them both a full colour handbook that explains really simple stuff about using digital technology - cameras, computers, phones - they both use email but I think thats where they're at. Those were $7.50
My Kid brother is doing the transformers thing hard, I know mum's got him Megatron, the baddie leader. So he's got a transformers colouring book, and sticker set which was under $10.
Then to St. Lukes, which I detest.
St. Lukes was built to keep white trash from the suburbs ransacking the cultural superiority of places like my beloved home, Grey Lynn, and to this day it keeps these rabid scores of neanderthals at bay.
So I concluded that I am not attracted to teenage girls, there's just no girls my age. They're all in australia. Or something. They turn 21 and they ship them off. All I see is girls who are too young for me, and women with prams.
Anyway. Body Shop. This year I wasn't going to rely on Body Shop. So I grabbed a little somethin' under the $20 mark for each my Mum, my grandma, my step mum and my aunty. To my mum that's a safe bet, maybe too safe. But to my step mum, body shop is still "classy" so that's solid.
Oh and the girls who work there are always cute. And they love to see a guy going to an effort to pick something just right for mum. They just need customer friendly name tags identifying which girls are single.
Then to K Mart. We work the numbers here. Cousins and Uncles are not gonna care they got the same as another cousin or uncle. As long as its solid.
AND another thing I learnt: You score points with the adults (uncles + mums) if you give their kids (cousins + brothers ) decent gear. this is big advice.
Now the kids are gonna be stoked with chocolate because it's safe as, but to score points with the parents I also go the art supplies, because cousin Matt is all about inspiring creativity, not just sugar induced mayhem. $3.50 gets you a set of Happy Feet felt pens, and theres Barbie for the girls too.
I also picked up a Lego Garbage truck for my kid brother cos it's all transformers and lego and the garbage truck comes with cool moving parts (to me lego is all about getting good parts) and actual trash that goes in the trash compartment. And I'm totally yknow . . . Christmas is for kids, so I don't mind spending a bit extra. God knows I had it pretty sweet til I hit 18.
Then shit loads of bloody mixed nut/dried fruit kinda things for my uncles and mothers boyfriend. See i'm turning into a real foodie these days and though I've got the standard dodgy import k mart fare I'm also getting them all those new Thai lime and chilli cashews because it's tasty as hell for off the shelf shit and again, looks "classy". I also bought a case of Grapetiser to throw a couple of bottles of that in there.
Finally . . . a cd is still special to old people, they think its worth something, they still pay $25 for Fat Freddy's Drop or Hollie Smith or whatever makes my 50ish uncles/aunties/parents partners feel young and groovy. And they'll feel bloody groovy as when I plop them down each a "Merry Christmas from Matt" home burnt and printed CD with a tunes like "young folks" on it.
Not only do they value it, but you pick up extra "craft" points for falling into the hand/home made category.
Even my grandma will like "Young Folks", she doesn't have to know it was one of the hippest tunes of the year. And I'm sure my Uncles will love "Hey there delilah" and "She moves in her own way" without having to know that even good music can be bad when it's aimed at the teenage/mainstream market.
DON"T FORGET!!!
I'M HAVING A PARTY AT SAFARI LOUNGE IN PONSONBY ON SUNDAY IF YOU WANT TO COME!!! IT"S FREE!!! 8PM - 3 AM
SEEYA AND HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
I'm serious about caring. The caring doesn't come in how much money you spend. It really is the thought that counts.
See, Christmas in your 20's can become quite demoralising, when gifts suddenly revert from new phones, designer jeans and possiblly even deposits on cars acquired in your teen years to your standard socks, chocolates and maybe a coffee table book with humourous pictures.
But a few years back it got just ridiculous. I didn't even get fucking socks and chocolates, but a worthless procession of stupid novelty trinkets and stuff like nuts and preserves with absolutely 0% chocolate content. That's right, there wasn't even chocolate arounf the nuts.
I was shocked.
It was time for pay back.
I vowed every christmas, each uncle, each aunty, each cousin would recieve a gift that would put the rest of my families gift giving skills to shame.
I think it's also a bit of showing my family that I'm "doing alright" especially as two of my uncles are highly qualified systems engineers, while every year, after my grandma finishes making her point about how long its been since I came to visit her, progressively more emphasis comes to be placed on . . .
"so, have you got a girlfriend at the moment . . . ?"
No grandma, I want to do something with the rest of my life other than cuddling on the couch and watching DVD's.
So now . . . let me just get off the psychiatrists couch and down to business. This is how it played out:
First, to the book sale behind Silver Bell in Eden Terrace. This is a perrenial for me, because books are well likened to "come like the sniper" so to speak.
Chocolate and socks maybe the scattershot, but with a book or CD (more on CD's later) it has to be aimed perfectly or it could miss completely and register no damage. With the right book though, it can be a direct hit. And of course, books seem expensive.
For my mum, who is seriously hooked on trading antiques on trademe, I picked up a book all about antique auctions and trading for $10. A hard cover with heaps of full colour pics.
For my Grandma and Dad / Step mum I bought them both a full colour handbook that explains really simple stuff about using digital technology - cameras, computers, phones - they both use email but I think thats where they're at. Those were $7.50
My Kid brother is doing the transformers thing hard, I know mum's got him Megatron, the baddie leader. So he's got a transformers colouring book, and sticker set which was under $10.
Then to St. Lukes, which I detest.
St. Lukes was built to keep white trash from the suburbs ransacking the cultural superiority of places like my beloved home, Grey Lynn, and to this day it keeps these rabid scores of neanderthals at bay.
So I concluded that I am not attracted to teenage girls, there's just no girls my age. They're all in australia. Or something. They turn 21 and they ship them off. All I see is girls who are too young for me, and women with prams.
Anyway. Body Shop. This year I wasn't going to rely on Body Shop. So I grabbed a little somethin' under the $20 mark for each my Mum, my grandma, my step mum and my aunty. To my mum that's a safe bet, maybe too safe. But to my step mum, body shop is still "classy" so that's solid.
Oh and the girls who work there are always cute. And they love to see a guy going to an effort to pick something just right for mum. They just need customer friendly name tags identifying which girls are single.
Then to K Mart. We work the numbers here. Cousins and Uncles are not gonna care they got the same as another cousin or uncle. As long as its solid.
AND another thing I learnt: You score points with the adults (uncles + mums) if you give their kids (cousins + brothers ) decent gear. this is big advice.
Now the kids are gonna be stoked with chocolate because it's safe as, but to score points with the parents I also go the art supplies, because cousin Matt is all about inspiring creativity, not just sugar induced mayhem. $3.50 gets you a set of Happy Feet felt pens, and theres Barbie for the girls too.
I also picked up a Lego Garbage truck for my kid brother cos it's all transformers and lego and the garbage truck comes with cool moving parts (to me lego is all about getting good parts) and actual trash that goes in the trash compartment. And I'm totally yknow . . . Christmas is for kids, so I don't mind spending a bit extra. God knows I had it pretty sweet til I hit 18.
Then shit loads of bloody mixed nut/dried fruit kinda things for my uncles and mothers boyfriend. See i'm turning into a real foodie these days and though I've got the standard dodgy import k mart fare I'm also getting them all those new Thai lime and chilli cashews because it's tasty as hell for off the shelf shit and again, looks "classy". I also bought a case of Grapetiser to throw a couple of bottles of that in there.
Finally . . . a cd is still special to old people, they think its worth something, they still pay $25 for Fat Freddy's Drop or Hollie Smith or whatever makes my 50ish uncles/aunties/parents partners feel young and groovy. And they'll feel bloody groovy as when I plop them down each a "Merry Christmas from Matt" home burnt and printed CD with a tunes like "young folks" on it.
Not only do they value it, but you pick up extra "craft" points for falling into the hand/home made category.
Even my grandma will like "Young Folks", she doesn't have to know it was one of the hippest tunes of the year. And I'm sure my Uncles will love "Hey there delilah" and "She moves in her own way" without having to know that even good music can be bad when it's aimed at the teenage/mainstream market.
DON"T FORGET!!!
I'M HAVING A PARTY AT SAFARI LOUNGE IN PONSONBY ON SUNDAY IF YOU WANT TO COME!!! IT"S FREE!!! 8PM - 3 AM
SEEYA AND HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
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